Gentle
by quesse.beryl
Summary: Loosely based on the song. AlecMax moment of realization. I jumped right into their complicated relationship. Max focused, Max pov, but I assure you Alec looks good too. no flames please, just what i wrote one night when in need of writing release
1. Chapter 1

What a terrible day. What a terrible, long, exhausting day. The details of which should not be dwelt upon. I just…feel so drained. I need to unwind, definitely. It's decided then. Huh. Who knew conscious thought could be so hard sometimes.

My brain is quiet for once, my world muted. I'm withdrawn. In myself again. The quiet, safest place for me to be. The small acts of unlocking the door, flicking the light switch, depositing my baggage on the counter are barely registered. To my room. I keep the lights low, adding to my quiet mood. The candles come out next. The more the better. Light from small, flickering illumination seems so much more serene than harsh fluorescents. The glow is soothing.

Now, the key ingredient, the bathtub. Essential to total relaxation. The steam spreads throughout the room, fogging the mirrors, wrapping the air in the pleasant scent of lavender. Now, the sweaty, stinky, bloodstained clothes. Clinging to my body, they seem to hinder my actions, when in truth they're designed to give me the absolute freedom of movement. I need flexible clothes, for my line of work. Now, though, they seem a glaring reminder of what I did tonight, what I do almost every night. But I try not to dwell, the day is done, now I can forget.

Forget that I am different. That I am still alone. That I will always be alone. Relationships are brief and inconsequential. People will always leave you; you will always be alone. That's why I'm so independent, I know the truth of people. Rely on no one but yourself. That's the way to survive. And I do know the rules of survival.

Still, not dwelling…sigh

Clothes, right. Peeling off layer after layer, turning them inside out, trying to cover the smell as much as possible. They come away sticky, from sweat and…blood. Not much, but enough to be noticeable. Still, the relief of their absence from my body is palpable.

Slight groans and grunts accompany the unclasping of tricky bra straps, the removal of a tight tank from over my head, the socks that absolutely refuse to be parted from my feet. Finally, though, it's done. I feel grimy and the bath is calling.

The darkness of my room, accented by the many and varied forms of glowing flames is soothing, calming. It sucks me into it. I turn off the water, silence again reclaiming my abode. Music. Also needed. Turning on the soft sounds of meaningless lyrics zones me out further. Perfect. That's what I need to do; just forget, get lost, tune out the world.

The final step, literally, into the tub. Swirls of bath salts surround my feet and legs as I lower myself into the welcoming embrace of the scalding water. An inadvertent gasp escapes my lips, followed by a deep groan as my body accustoms itself to the water. There. Done. Now, just sit. Sit, and don't think. I can do that.

Another key to survival, learning to not think. If you allow yourself to think too much, you get distracted. Focusing on one thing to the exclusion of your surroundings. Not good. Learned that the hard way.

I don't know if I've ever learned something the easy way. Not sure there is an easy way.

Another cleansing, deep sigh is released, allowing the relaxation to be complete.

Damn. I thought I said no thinking. Why is it then that ever since I got home all I've thought about, tried to _not_ think about was…him.


	2. Chapter 2

_Damn. I thought I said no thinking. Why is it then that ever since I got home all I've thought about, tried to not think about was…him._

Last night. I keep telling myself it wasn't wrong. That's what he would've told me too, were he here. I'm still baffled by how easily it came to pass. How natural it seemed.

Yet, why does it still plague my mind? My guilty conscience says that anything like that is bad. I shouldn't. I cant allow myself to do that. I don't deserve it, I blatantly realize.

It hits me like a ton of bricks, to quote the saying. I have to say, though, that's what it does feel like. Like a weight on my chest, making me rock back and look again, though it hurts to do so.

I deny myself the things I crave most because I feel I don't deserve it. Human companionship, the essential part of every person's life, yet I deny myself. I shut myself off. Some say I put up walls, but they don't even realize.

I have bunkers, barriers, walls, towers, barricades, and lock boxes. Everything is shut off. If I don't get attached, I cant hurt them. And it will hurt me less if they do get hurt. But last night, he changed all that.

In one night, one weak moment, I allowed those fortifications to come crumbling down. One blow, sure and steady, had crushed them, revealing my true self before him. And for as scared as I was, it was a relief.

I don't have to bear this burden by myself anymore. Sharing it was so…liberating. I'm still not adapting to it yet. At least he's giving me space. God, he knows me too well. The one thing I needed the most after that, I never had to ask. No pressure. No demands. Just, understanding. Yes, that's it, he understands me.

I'm just realizing that we hardly spoke at all last night. I'm still confused as to how it actually came about.

* * *

Fussing over that tiny scratch. Mother-henning me. Drives me crazy, and he knows it. But he wouldn't let it go. After an exasperated "Fine!" I conceded defeat, sitting backwards in the chair so he could reach my shoulder blade. 

Of course, I had to take off my shirt, revealing my sports bra underneath. Not that I cared. Business as usual. Got a wound, take care of it. But seriously, it was nothing. I wasn't going to die of tetanus, I wasn't going to get an infection. I was clumsy vaulting over that barbed wire fence, that's all. I hadn't even noticed it, but he had seen the slight bloodstain growing upon my shirt.

His hands. They were the key to unlocking me. The hands that could kill, manipulate, fix things, get dirty, take apart a gun and reassemble it in mere seconds, deadly hands. Yet, when they touched my back, were gentle as silk. Patched me up.

Finished with their task, they lingered still upon my back. Tracing gentle circles and lines up and down, around my back. Gliding upon my neck, sensing the tense muscles lying concealed beneath. Suddenly, yet gradually, the pressure increases, drawing out the kinks and seeking the places of tension in my shoulders. Light again, caressing my neck. I hadn't realized it, but my head had sunk and my chin rested against the back of the chair.

My eyes were drifting closed, opening again, my head making small movements back and forth in response to the penetrating touch of his hands. Suddenly, he stopped. Reality came rushing back. Belated clarity made me realize my walls were down. I was vulnerable, open for attack. How had I let myself become this way?

I spun about, rising from the chair, moving around it, an unconscious barrier between him and I. My eyes found his, and in that single instant, the walls came crumbling down again. The hastily erected barricades couldn't withstand the look in those eyes. They softened me, to the core.

I think he saw the shift in me, for he advanced. Cautiously, like one might approach a frightened animal, void of any hostility or threatening gestures. Each step measured, he reached my sooner than I had ever imagined possible. How could he sneak up on me like that? Yet, I had seen him coming, seen every placement of foot before the other, until he was there. In front of me. Immovable.

Thoughts flickered across my consciousness, faster than reflexes, rapid-fire, yet as fast as they came, they left just as quickly when he reached out and touched my bare shoulder. My hand drifted up, inexplicably, to his face, a face I'd never really taken the time to consider before.

He'd always just been Alec, that's it. I'd never noticed the way his cheekbones accented his gorgeous blue eyes. The way his lips quirked unconsciously, warming the expression in his eyes, his whole face transforming from one simple gesture.


	3. Chapter 3

_He'd always just been Alec, that's it. I'd never noticed the way his cheekbones accented his gorgeous blue eyes. The way his lips quirked unconsciously, warming the expression in his eyes, his whole face transforming from one simple gesture. _

He, too, was seeing me for the first time. The first time I'd ever _let_ anyone see me. Truly myself. No more walls.

Somehow, we ended up pressed up against each other, eyes never straying from the other's. Suddenly, seeing the compassion revealed in their depths, I realized how much I'd been holding back. It swept upon me again in a wave.

Everything that I had hidden behind those walls came crashing upon me. The loneliness, oh God, the loneliness. The sudden pain in my eyes forced my gaze from his. Tears sprang to my eyes, the pain hitting me like a slam against a wall.

I gasped, which sounded more like a sob to his ears, and tried to break free. He was causing me to relive all these emotions that I'd so carefully buried.

I needed to get away, hide, patch the holes, contain the storm within me once again. It was too much. Where did all this pain come from? How can one person control all this pain? Everything I'd forced myself to forget, to push to the back of my mind, to deal with some other time, when people weren't dying, when nobody needed my help anymore, then in that distant moment that would never be, then I'd allow myself to deal with…me.

I'd never given thought to the possibility of that time ever coming. But now it had. And I couldn't handle it. It was too much; I was drowning. The crushing pain sucked the breath from my lungs, crumpling my form as I tried to hunch away from the pain. The deep compression in my chest made breathing difficult at best and thinking impossible.

Yet, I still registered the strong arms gathering me up, closer to him. He wanted me to share my pain, he wanted to take it from me, to help bear the load. I had no choice, it just came pouring out.

He took it, every drop he could, he took it from me, relieving my unbearable load. I clung to his strong form, his strength was my anchor to the real world, he helped to pull me out, away from the abyss of my darkened soul.

His great arm supported my back while his other hand held my head tenderly, stroking my hair as he repeated soothing, meaningless words of comfort, trying to penetrate into my tortured world. Finally, they got through, my river had run dry.

Too exhausted to speak, he had understood and simply held me. At last I looked up, again into his soft eyes. I saw there everything I had ever needed. Warmth from the cold, light from the darkness, strength from my fear. In a new light I beheld him.

Tentatively, hesitantly, yet not awkwardly, I drew back, my hands falling to his sides. My fingers cautiously grasped his shirt, and I saw in his eyes understanding, not the repulsion I had always feared.

I slowly slid my hands upward, taking the shirt with them. Finally, over his head, the warm fabric rested in my hands. I brought it up to my face, breathing in his scent. It was as comforting as his presence. I buried my face in it, then in his chest, seeking reassurance for my action.

It was granted, his arms wrapping me in a secure embrace, no hesitation. Whatever I wanted, he offered, freely, with no doubts. It was his gift for my revelation of who I am, what I am, my baring of my soul for him. In return, he presented himself before me, gave me the same opportunity for scrutiny that I had given him.

And, I found, there was nothing there that I could judge, had I even wanted to. His sincerity glowed from him. Slowly, my hands released his shirt, letting it fall unnoticed to the floor. They traveled upward, tenderly exploring his face, learning every curve as if I'd never before seen him.

The sculpted brows, his thick hair, the most pleasant to run my fingers through. His high cheekbones, the defining feature of his face. His chiseled jaw line, the curve ending in his perfect, strong chin. And, his lips. My fingers tenderly probed their fullness.

His eyes found mine once again, and I saw there understanding as before. His head tilted down towards mine, and I found myself leaning back in return to meet him. Our lips met in a perfect, hesitant gesture. We parted, looking deeper into each other's eyes, then came together again.

The kiss deepened, becoming a thing unto itself. I had never experienced this before. At last, we parted, slightly breathless, yet understanding each other on a level deeper than even before. But my exhaustion had truly caught up with me. I released a gentle sigh, and my tired eyes yet again glanced his way.

* * *

_I don't want to break the momentum of this story, so on to the next chapter! Please review if you're not too caught up in the moment._


	4. Chapter 4

At last, we parted, slightly breathless, yet understanding each other on a level deeper than even before.

But my exhaustion had truly caught up with me. I released a gentle sigh, and my tired eyes yet again glanced his way. He grasped my meaning, leading me over to my bedroom, his hand a constant reassurance against my back. Still, no words were spoken.

As we neared the door, that night's battle overcame my always resilient strength. Not knowing why, my knees buckled, surprising the both of us. His cat-like reflexes saved the day, however, scooping me up into his arms like nothing more than a small child, weightless.

I still don't know why I allowed him to carry me like that, I'm an X5! But something in me finally gave up and he brought me to my bed, setting me upon its soft surface. He paused, slightly unsure, then started turning to leave.

My hand and eyes stayed his exit, though, pleading inwardly for him to stay. Relief seemed to cover his face, and he sank into the warm covers with me. Suddenly cold, I turned my back to him, drawing the blankets up around me.

Fatigue entered my body from every angle, seemingly from thin air. It crept into me and sleep beckoned. Warmth started returning though as I felt his body slide against mine. The greatest sense of contentment, peace, and comfort overwhelmed me. It was something I'd never experienced before, its feeling strange to me, yet reassuring.

Like the softest, most natural thing I had done in my entire life, I let sleep claim me, knowing I was the safest I had ever been. His arms wrapped protectively around me, his heartbeat soft in my ear, his breathing echoing my own, were the last things I was aware of before I slipped into the deepest sleep I'd known in years.

* * *

Now, laying in my bathtub, reliving those moments, I remembered. This morning, he had been gone, like the entire episode had been a strange dream, fuzzy on the edge of my consciousness. Yet, I'd known it had been real. 

I hadn't seen him at all today, which I took as a blessing. I was wrapped in too much confusion; I needed to figure myself out. Get back to something basic. Investigating, hunting, catching, fixing; my usual occupation. A normal day was his blessing to me today. A day to think, and I did a lot of that.

The water was getting cold. That was to say, my body was used to it enough that its relaxing properties had no lasting effect. Raising my dripping body from the tranquil waters, I toweled off and changed into some "bumming" clothes, the clothes everyone has that are comfortable and not meant to be seen by anyone else.

Less than fashionable, I believe would describe these. One by one, I blew out the candles, letting the darkness surround me again. I'd try to find him tomorrow, let him know I was okay. See what happened from there. It was the only thing I could do. I couldn't ignore him after what we'd been through, not anymore. Best to explore this as we went along; it was new for both of us, I felt. Slipping into bed, the final candle extinguished, I awaited tomorrow.

* * *

_Wow. I guess it's finished! I'd like to do a sequel, but I don't know if I can duplicate this kind of writing; I wrote this a while back. Please let me know what you think. I went back and changed the look of the chapters so they were easier to read (format). Thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far, you really make it a pleasure to write:-)_


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